$53 Million

Here's what I would do with $500 million. For reals.

- Pay off my car and relocate it to NYC

- Quit my job

- Buy top of the line, prosumer, crazy awesome DV cam, top of the line (Mac?) editing stuff, FinalDraft, use all my time writing sketches and short films and then shooting them with the sole intention of using this to get me and mi amigos on SNL

- Hire Darren Crawford to remake my failed Star Wars trilogy that I wrote in 9th grade

- Not move from my current apartment. Instead, make the bedroom smaller, living room bigger, paint a crazy mural on my bedroom wall, and tweak it out with crazy mod furniture and colors

- Buy a record player

- Buy a smaller apartment building in a borough, either just built or getting ready to go. Completely renovate the thing with new appliances and all that, fully furnished with each apartment representing a different year or fashion trend (avoiding country kitsch and most of the 1990s) give an apartment to all of my friends back home with the option of moving up here permanently or just having their own place to stay whenever they want to, free of charge.

- Take classes at UCB all the dang time and start all sorts of practice groups for myself and my improv buds, hiring the absolute best and my most favorite people to coach.

- Give lots of money to fibromyalgia, cancer, and diabetes research

- Hire a nutritionist and chef to get me on track!!! Preferably a short and sassy older English lady.

- Give lots of money to my sister so she can quit her job

- Give even more money to my parents, so they can both stop working. Encourage my mother to start the business she's always wanted to (involving interior design or clothing) and give her the money to try it and hire people that would help her

- REBUILD OPRYLAND USA in NASHVILLE TENNESSEE! Goodbye Opry Mills mall, which is the most soul sucking circle anyone can walk. Lame lame lame. Chaos and the Grizzly River Rampage every summer, ya'll.

- Pay for The Features to play in NYC every other month (as long as they're willing) covering their travel and hotel expenses, plus paying them a lot of money. I'd also perosonally promote their shows. I'd get them some sorta sweet record deal too...

- Give money to MTTV, not enough so that they can do crazy good productions and buy fancy equipment out the wazoo (since I think that strife is integral to the nature of the place) but enough so that all officers and crew can get paid a healthy amount for their time spent there and that guests can as well, giving them a reason to do the shows.

- Complete my run of Uncanny X-Men not through eBay, but by using my money to travel to find every single issue. Hopefully #3 will be found in England.

- Reunite the Kinks for a concert in NYC playing only pre-1971 songs. All my friends are invited and can stay in our apartment building. Open to the public so we can make some money back; I think I'm running out.

HOT FUZZABETH BERKLEY

I answered the phone bright and early this morning (something that I really don't like to do since taking messages conflicts with my brain's knack for only remembering the real names of Marvel villian team The Marauders) to take a delightful message from a lady who was on her way to meet with my boss. She said she'd be a little late since it's sleeting like December outside (might I mention it was 60 outside twenty-four hours ago? Might I?) and that, oh yeah, "my name is Elizabeth Berkley." I pass the info along and, sure enough, Elizabeth Berkley enters the office. Jessie Spano or, as you trash lovers know her, Showgirls. Yes, you trash lovers just call her Showgirls.

She went back into the boss's office. I caught a glimpse of 90s pop culture. Then my boss needed someone to operate her DVD player (yep) and her assistant was out getting them two coffees. I got to take the DVD from Jessie Spano's hand as my boss talked up my techno-wizardry (no idea where that came from, by the way). I put the DVD in, success. Then I turn on the TV. It's on TiVo mode. Crap, I don't know how to get it off of TiVo. Jessie Spano is counting on me to get this DVD cued up! I start frantically (not really) looking for a TV/Video button on the TiVo remote, a power button on the remote or box to turn it off, anything. NOTHING!! Then Katelyn, the assistant, walks in with the coffee. I call her over to help and that's it, "I put so much faith in you, Brett!" Jessie Spano says jokingly. Blew it. Katelyn gets the DVD player set up, and we exit.

Whatever.

I also got to see a screening of the new Edgar Wright/Simon Pegg/Nick Frost film "Hot Fuzz." These are the guys responsible for "Shaun of the Dead," pretty much the best movie about zombies ever (I make no claims of being a zombie fan). "Hot Fuzz" is bloody freakin' brilliant in every way, shape, form or fashion. I loved it. I left the theater wishing that these guys would make every movie released from now on! It's funny with no fart/poopie jokes for the whole two hours, it's action packed, Simon Pegg shows that he's a good actor by not playing Shaun again, it uses two (2!!!) Kinks songs ("Village Green" and "Village Green Preservation Society"), and it is shot and edited with such straight up glee...it's infectious. I don't know if it'll get a wide release, but it opens in April. See it. I posted the trailer below.

What's even better: Edgar Wright is directing Ant-Man for Marvel. I'm so excited for this, and I don't even care about Ant-Man. Even better? The trio may be on Opie & Anthony and, if Edgar is there, he's hella-signing my copy of Irredeemable Ant-Man #1.

Comics: Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Season Eight #1

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: SEASON EIGHT #1
"The Long Way Home part 1"
Writer: Joss Whedon
Penciler: Georges Jeanty
Inker: Andy Owens
Colors: Dave Stewart
Letters: Richard Starkings & Comicraft's Jimmy
Cover Art: Jo Chen
Designer: Heidi Fainza
Assistant Editor: Katie Moody
Associate Editor: Matt Dryer
Editor: Scott Allie
Publisher: Mike Richardson

Buffy's back. Almost four years after the 144th episode aired, Buffy's back and she's brought Joss Whedon with her. And even though the issue barely even touches on all the questions that I have, even though it covers next-to-no ground, it still feels right.

Buffy is now the leader of a squadron of slayers, one of many actually. They have vehicles, harnesses, a big ol' headquarters, all the trimmings of S.H.I.E.L.D. itself (as noted by Xander; lordy how I missed Xander). This looks nothing like the Buffy we all remember fondly. There isn't a close sense of family and there's no cozy central location. Instead we have Buffy and Dawn who are barely speaking and a huge stone castle, both of which are interesting plot points since they tie together to establish just how different this world is. Buffy notes this, thankfully, so we know Joss is going somewhere with this.

What really makes this feel like Buffy is Joss' dialodue. Putting Nicholas Brendan's voice over those words, it sent shivers through the pages and into me. Same with Buffy and Dawn; these are the characters that I love and I'm so glad they're back with the man who created them.

The art is good. I'm used to being completely off put by the art in non-Marvel books, be it the pencils (usually my problem with Dark Horse) or the color (my problem with DC). Jeanty did some good work back on the most recent ongoing Gambit series and he's a decent fit. Still, what I wouldn't give to see Joshua Middleton or Adrian Alphona on this series. Well, perhaps not Middleton, since I think he's allergic to deadlines. Perhaps a cover, then?

This issue feels like the first act of an episode. The reveal at the end is what I'd normally be seeing at 7:15 (central time) on a Tuesday night, the start of the second act coming a mere four minutes away. Not anymore. This darn format is making me wait four weeks, but that's something I have to live with. Here's hoping the book doesn't fall prey to deadline issues like Joss' other book, Astonishing X-Men. Still, there's enough to ponder about in this issue to hold me over. While little is really accomplished in this issue, so many promises are made that I salivate thinking about them. Willow's MIA. Who's that hovering guy? What's that symbol? The army sure looks mad! Ah, so good!

My only real gripe is wondering what the dang series is called. The cover says Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Season Eight in teeny tiny print under the Dark Horse logo. The inidicia on the inside front cover says Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, the comics price guide calls it Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Volume 2, and reviews online call it Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight. I'm going with the colon-version until I start seeing a uniform title. Things like this irk me. I'm still mad that Marvel doesn't include volume numbers in their indicias, especially since they relaunch titles like it's going out of style.

So yeah, this lived up to my expectations. The only way it could have been better is if Joss provided a single issue story, a perfect beginning-middle-end including Giles and Willow, complete with all the action and hilarity of the television series. Instead, Joss is treating us to something a lot bigger, a lot more epic. Both are valid ways to start the series and, honestly, I think the way he's doing it has me a lot more intrigued than if he went the other way.

This is gonna be fun.

MY SCORE: 9.1 (out of 10)

TV: Lost "Par Avion"

TEASER: A Claire episode! Finally! For some reason, and I'm alone on this, I'm totally into Charlie and Claire. Maybe it's because Claire's season one episode was the moment I realized taht this show was genius. I like that Locke points out to Sayid that the whole C-4 aspect of the bunker was not shared. See? Sharing info helps. Not sure what Claire's going on about with those birds, but it looks like Desmond saved Charlie again.

ACT ONE: "The John Locke I knew was para--!" Eye Patch is seriously menacing! And I have sympathy for Rousseau now. Crazy, but so tragic. I'm interested in Claire's story, plus it is really sucky that Charlie has to screw things up with her to live. Of course, he could just tell her everything...

ACT TWO: Locke is with the Others and Claire is Jack's half-sister. I've thought that for a while and now that Claire's mom is paid for by someone myserious, betting it's Mr. Shepard. But why is Claire so weird about her mom? And Patch Eye's death was crazy gross, but I was expecting his head to explode, so it could have been nastier. If Locke isn't evil, then he's just the Screech/Urkel of the show.

ACT THREE: Called it! Called it A YEAR AGO (episode where Ana Lucia died)! Ha! Now if only Claire was ever in a scene with Jack, maybe this would come up. And man, Sayid is on to Locke. Locke's gone from a great character to a nutjob and now a saboteur. I wonder if Terry O'Quinn likes playing this character still after the downward spiral he's been on?

ACT FOUR: So Claire doesn't know her dad's name. Oh well. Here's hoping Jack gets the hots for her, leading to the best romance since Luke and Leia. Desmond coming clean to Claire is a good thing, just hwo knows if she'll believe him and what it'll do to her and Charlie. Seriously, Lost, why isn't htat new girl or Rodrigo whatchamacallit in this episode? If they showed up more often and DID THINGS maybe we'd accept them as new characters. As it is, I still don't even know their names.

ACT FIVE: Ah! Geez, what's up with Jack?! I never thought I'd want a Jack episode, but what's happened to him in the last couple days?! The last act sealed it; I really like Claire and her hospital scene got to me. Ugh, so sad. And I'm glad that the truth has brought her and Charlie together, even if it seems like being with her is going to kill him.

So excited for next week. All Locke and he has lots of explaining to do.

MY SCORE: **** (out of 5)

In Defense Of X-Force

"What's your favorite tv show?"

"Who's your favorite band?"

"Top three albums: go!"

"Best movie of all time?"

All of the above are questions that I love to ask, but for some reason I always feel like I really have to defend my answers because my second and third choices are much "hipper" than my top one. I'm not saying my favorites are guilty pleasures, by no means. I'm just saying that, for some reason, the bits of pop culture that I champion and raise above all others as True and Good have to be explained. Over and over again. Yes, Oasis is my favorite band. Yes, there are two Strokes albums in my top three. The best movie is The Empire Strikes Back and no, I don't love sci-fi that much and no, I have not seen The Godfather. Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Friends. Yes, they're both my number one.

Comics, the media source right under TV and right above music in my list of faves, is no exception. I love Marvel in comic communities that seem to be absolutely for the Distinguished Competition. I love the X-Men most of all, which is like saying your favorite band is The Beatles (in the way that they're both extremely popular and give no indication of your taste; both Spawn and Astro City fans can like X-Men, as can both Nickelback and Rufus Wainwright fans like the Beatles). But above all else, I have a special place in my heart for one corner of the x-world.

X-Force.

As characters and a concept, X-Force's true roots go all the way back to the first issue of Uncanny X-Men back in 1963. Back then, being a teenager was analogous to being a mutant and this was supposedly a main theme of the series. By the early 80s, however, the merry mutants of the X-Men were all far from being considered teenagers. To remedy this, a new batch of teenage mutants was created. Hello New Mutants, the title that would turn into X-Force in 1991. The two series share characters (Cannonball, Sunspot, Dani Moonstar, Rictor, Meltdown, Cable) and the majority of X-Force made their first appearance in New Mutants (Warpath, Copycat, Shatterstar and Feral).

What differentiated the two titles was tone; New Mutants was very coming of age while X-Force concentrated heavily on early 90s stock ideas like time travel, big guns, big boobs, and shoulder pads. A closer look at X-Force, one with hindsight and the overall scope of both series taken into account, reveals that the series was always about this young generation of mutants dealing with the anxieties of becoming adults. This is a very logical continuation of the theme established in New Mutants and the change in tone and art supports my theory. The harsh stereotypes of early 90s comics and comic art lend themselves very well to the harsh reality of growing up.

My main argument for X-Force is that no other x-book published in the 90s was as consistent. Generation X (1994-2001) went to crap in 1998, X-Factor (1986-1998) in 1995, and Excalibur (1988-1998) in 1997, thanks to Larry Hama, Howard Mackie and Ben Raab, respectively. X-Force got off to a slam-bang good time with Rob Liefeld and Fabian Nicieza (who managed to overshadow the abyss of suck that is Liefeld). This creative team only lasted the book's first year (1991-1992) but it set a solid foundation for the rest of Nicieza's writing tenure. Yeah, the first year was heavy on boobs and guns, but it also saw Cannonball become an effective leader, Warpath and Siryn grow personalities, and gave hints that Cable was more than just a T2 rip-off.

As far as creative shifts go, none was better for the book than the change in artist after Liefeld's departure. Greg Capullo's collaboration with Nicieza was short (1992-1993) but definitive. This is where X-Force finally felt like its own book. This brief creative utopia started off with the return of Sunspot to the team (his friendship with Cannonball being one of Nicieza's strong themes) and followed by The X-Cutioner's Song. As crossovers go, X-Cutioner's Song was the best of the decade (only the Age of Apocalypse comes close, and close it does come) and it served as a State of the Union address for all the x-books, particularly where X-Force was concerned. These young adults, striking out on their own and taking steps the parents didn't agree with, were punished and grounded. It's a part of the larger story that isn't dealt with much, but as far as mission statements and playing with the title's central theme, it's spectacular. X-Force #19 is the best of the series; it features Cannonball standing up to Professor X. After that, Nicieza did the impossible by killing off Cable and forcing the team to fend for themselves. They manage nicely and, for the first time, Cannonball comes across as a great field commander.

Tony Daniel replaced Capullo and, while a good stretch (1993-1995) of stories, nothing definitive really happens as far as the main theme of the series. These issues, when focused on the team as a whole, come across like junior X-Men stories. However, Nicieza did focus on developing his characters during this time. A good chunk of the cast get issues dedicated to them: Shatterstar (#30), Siryn (#31), Rictor (#34), Cannonball (#37), Prosh (#39), and Feral (#40-41). These are all, with the exception of Shatterstar's issue, strong stories. The Feral story in particular is one of the best ever done in X-Force. The book didn't fare so well with crossovers this time; the Phalanx Covenant did nothing for this book and was pretty boring.

After the four month hiatus of Age of Apocalypse, a new creative team took over: Jeph Loeb and Adam Pollina (1995-1996). Jeph Loeb put the team back in the X-Mansion which didn't turn the team into Junior X-Men like under Nicieza/Daniel. Instead, by allowing the team such close contact with the X-Men, Loeb was able to contrast the two teams. Loeb did this by promoting Cannonball to the X-Men (nothing like showing class structure by having someone graduate out of your team), having Boomer get manipulated by Sabretooth (a disaster, to Psylocke at least), and having various X-Men interact and belittle the team throughout the run. Loeb gave special care to Boomer who went from being a wise-cracking valley girl to Meltdown, a punky firecracker. As strong as this tone change was, it didn't stop some Junior X-Men stories, the fiftieth issue in particular. It's strong, but what does fighting Sebastian Shaw and Holocaust have to do with this series? No matter, because Junior X-Men stories still looked distinctively X-Force thanks to Pollina's edgy, quirky, fresh, young, abstract, fashionista-esque pencils. This is the way X-Force should have always looked and should always look. Another highlight of this era is #54, where X-Force is interrogated by the police. Something about donut-munching cops trying to crack Domino will always crack me up.

Such a strong start fell apart when Pollina went on hiatus for the last half of 1996. Without his striking images, Loeb's Onslaught story was downright awful and his origin of Shatterstar is, without a doubt, the worst thing the book ever produced. 1997 started with a new writer, John Francis Moore, and no regular penciler. Moore's first stories on the book were bland and uneventful. Until Pollina returned.

Pollina's second run on the book, this time coupled with Moore, is X-Force at its best. For real. During their 14 issues (from 1997-1998), they cut the team down to 5 members, put them on the road, and ditched their purple and gold uniforms. These were five young adults going to the Burning Man festival, wearing vintage t-shirts, fighting mobsters and demons, all while growing as characters. Sunspot finally got some when he hooked up with Meltdown, the two of them proving to be an interesting and drama-filled couple. Dani Moonstar was back on a team after 7.5 years. Warpath got over all his rage issues. Siryn revealed her love of disco. The team met up with old classmate Karma who was revealed as gay (slyly, of course). This is why X-Force was the greatest X-Title of the 90s: 80 issues in at this pont and more relevant than ever.

Jim Cheung replaced Pollina as the title's artist and he and Moore did some okay Junior X-Men stories with the team (from 1998-2000). They settled in San Francisco and fought, what appeared to be, ideas Moore had for other series that he wasn't sure he could ever get to. The Deviants and Armageddon Man were okay ideas, but do they really belong in X-Force? Still, the characters are strong, behaving like themselves, growing, and this run features the second best issue of the entire series: #91, "Fallout." The story of Siryn coping with the loss of her voice is poignant and touches on everything that makes her character special, including alcoholism.

And that's it. There were 97 issues of X-Force published in the 1990s and they were consistent, strong, and enjoyable. I like to think that the series ends with #100, a nice round number that leaves the team on top of their game as characters and as a series. But that's not what really happened.

From May 2000 to June 2001, the book was written by and later edited by Warren Ellis. These stories (by Ellis, Ian Edginton, and Whilce Portacio) take the inital idea, 'terrorists' for Xavier's cause, to an extreme level and prove to be the first direction of the book that is flat-out not good. After Ellis lessened his involvement and Portacio got his horrible art away from the book (replaced by Jorge Lucas), the series got somewhat back on track. Still, the damage was done and with #115, X-Force came to a close.

And that's where it ends. We're acting like there is no #116 since, duh, it's really X-Statix #-13.

Mexican Angel Demon

It's hard to remember what I have and haven't blogged about with no internet at home. I'm going to have to fix this problem...at some point. It involves calling the landlord, and I'm always paranoid about that. I think it's post-traumatic-stress from the previous one.

I saw improv at Gotham on Friday night, all really solid and enjoyable. I've discovered seeing improv at other places, although I've lost touch with some of my favorite UCB shows in the process. That and I'm starting to get really tired lately; I think it's all catching up with me.

I started not feeling well late Saturday night, an unpleasant happening alongside lots of merry events from that night. It was a good night, but my throat was hurting by Sunday morning. After watching a 201 class show at noon, hanging around at Chelsea Piers, and arriving in Hoboken for the improv group practice I organized...not feeling so well. The sore throat gave way to a bit of fatigue (the night after night of 4-5 hours of sleep probably helped this) and my improv was really affected. I usually am very loud and boisterous and sucky; I was instead uncooperative, lazy, tired, and sucky. I did learn a lot, mainly that I need to focus on forming a real connection with my scene partner instead of just going ca-razy right off the bat. The only thing I was really proud of was me and Katey's subway-breakup-scene. Class was more of the same, too tired and now hungry to do anything worth while. I rushed home, ate lots of food (nachos, chips and salsa, and pop tarts) and read comics.

I read Uncanny X-Men #236 (pictured above) and discovered that it is a surprisingly solid issue. Issues #235-238 introduce Genosha, the prosperous island of mutant slavery. The story as a whole is good, #236 being the best of the bunch. There are decent supporting characters who have interesting motives and, for this story only, Genosha seems like a decent story idea. Genosha then became a war-torn country where no writer could ever really figure out who was fighting who until Magneto was given free reign over it and the entire place was obliterated by Sentinels. Still, the concept got off to a nice start.

The fatigue and sore throat led some to believe I could have mono, although I don't know where I would have caught that since the symptoms started popping up well after I was around anyone who has/had mono. Plus, I looked it up on webmd and I'm not showing signs of the yellow skin or mouth sores. I'm hoping this is just due to my lack of sleep or eating three meals a day, plus my constant contact with people in various stages of cold-dom.

The office is half empty today and I thorougly enjoy it. There's a nice sense of calm around here...a calm that was disrupted when I ran across the video posted below. Watch it. It's freaky. The fun starts around 41 seconds in.

Please someone verify if this is real or a hoax. I can't find any info on it.

Comics: The Mighty Avengers #1

THE MIGHTY AVENGERS #1
"The Mighty Avengers"
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Frank Cho
Colors: Jason Keith
Letterer: Artmonkey's Dave Lanphear
Assistant Editor: Aubrey Sitterson
Editor: Tom Brevoot
Editor In Chief: Joe Quesada
Publisher: Dan Buckley

This is one of the most highly entertaining comics I've read in a while. I did not expect this. Bendis, lately, has underwhelmed me with his self-important and unfocused stretch of solo stories in New Avengers and his run on Ultimate Spider-Man which fails to surprise me while still managing to be a consistently solid read. I was not expecting to enjoy this issue or want to continue reading it past the first issue.

For a first issue, this one feels like a throwback to happier times. Too often nowadays, first issues are paced for the trade and involve secondary characters doing mysterious things while referencing the title character, who appears on the last page if at all. Used to be, first issues set up the themes, characters, and relationships that would propel the series through its first dozen or so issues. Deadpool #1 is a great example of this and, off the top of my head, the best example. The over-the-top mercenary stuff is introduced, his desire to be a hero is brought up by making fun of an established Marvel hero, and a whole slew of his supporting cast is shown with their fully rounded personalities ready to go.

This issue starts off with the team already formed and taking on the Mole Man's henchmen, which disappointed me initially only because I've grown tired of Marvel's "hit-the-ground-running/explain-it-later-in-a-press-conference" technique to big events. I was sad that we weren't going to see this team get formed. But Bendis, in true old school style, flashes back to show Iron Man and Ms. Marvel going through their databanks to find the perfect team. Every member is discussed and justified alongside a splash page of them in action; a great way to introduce the team. The real gem here is Ms. Marvel, one of my favorites and Marvel's almost-icon for 20 years now. She's finally getting the respect she deserves and leading this team (well, might I add) is a leap in the right direction. There's already a set-up for a power struggle within the team, and I'm extremely thrilled by this.

First issues should also include a fight of some sort to show how effective the heroes are. This one does so thirty three times over. The team fights well, interacts well, and looks gorgeous thanks to Frank Cho (although I'm still perplexed by Wonder Man's leisure suit). The severity of the situation escalates nicely and, for once, this seems like a truly important battle. Nice to see a little, self-contained, epic battle; I'm sick of line-wide event crossovers that concern everyone. Sometimes it's up to a group of seven to save the entire world.

Reading this made me realize why I love comics: complex characters fighting huge monsters. There's just something iconic about seeing a team of heroes dwarfed by giant green and brown creatures from the bowels of Earth, rushing in to save the day. This feels right. So right that it's my wallpaper.

And then there's that ending which I have no idea where it comes from or what it means for the series, but goshdarnit if it doesn't have me hooked for issue #2.

MY SCORE: 9.6 (out of 10)