Sometimes I love my job...

This week I took over doing my work's daily human interest...thing...from Todd. It involves going through various sights of varying degrees of credibility and finding stories that are just too gosh-darn-cute to resist. Oldest couple to bungee jump, longest nipple hair, talking horses, you get the idea. Today I came across one of the most amazing stories I've ever read. I tried to sneak it into the human interest mailer but, alas, stories with headlines like this one don't qualify as cute.

N.H. Man Seeks Return Of Mummified Baby
Man Says Remains Have Been With Family For Decades

CONCORD, N.H. -- A New Hampshire man is fighting state law to get back a mummified baby he said is a family heirloom.

Charles Peavey, of Concord, said that the mummy, named Baby John, has been in his family for decades.

"He was in our family for 90-plus years, and now we have to fight for something that's truly ours," Peavey said.

Concord police took the corpse a year ago after a woman reported hearing someone talking about a dead baby. Police said they were uncertain who the child was or how it died. Lab tests recently came back.

"It's believed to be a male child and very young, possibly a stillborn or a newborn," Detective Julie Curtin said.

Peavey said that there is nothing to prove that the baby is related to him, but he's taking his fight to get it back to court. He said that family folklore holds that his great-great-uncle had an affair with a woman who died in childbirth, and the mummy is their child who died.

"My entire family is behind me 100 percent," Peavey said.

On Thursday, Peavey paid $150 to file a petition to have a judge rule on the case.

"I've been collecting silver since I was 15 years old, and it was to go to my niece, Jennifer," Peavey said. "And she said, 'Just sell the silver. I'd rather have John.'"

His niece, Jennifer Arizmendi, said that she was next in line to get the mummified baby. She said she's just as committed to getting it back.

"They've taken something away that they don't have a right to take away," she said. "Regardless if he's blood-related or not, he's been in our family. He's been passed down."

If Peavey doesn't get the body back, he can have it buried, and a cemetery has offered to bury the baby for free.

Where. To. Begin?

There's a picture here, if you want to.

The guy's name is Peavey, which rhymes with skeevy which is just what this story is. Aside from awkward laughter (which I've had all day when thinking about this story), this is straight up grody.

The grodiness comes from the fact that they aren't even sure if it is their relative. This allegiance to a mummified newborn comes soley from family tradition. My family has a football game every Christmas called The Hoppage Bowl (named after my great-grandmother). This family has a mummified baby corpse named Baby John. Baby. John. So this just flat out says that this nut bag family knows exactly what they have. "What? We thought that was an old chicken!" Nope, can't use that argument. It's in the name. Baby John. And, of course, Baby John has his own folklore. Of course! I guess they had to rationalize keeping a mummified baby around for 90 years and "looks good next to the deer head" wasn't cutting it.

Now, one has to wonder, if it's an heirloom that surely (SURELY) never leaves the house, how did someone find out about it? Because a woman overheard the family talking about their dead baby. Wow. So not only do they keep this lil' bugger around ninety years after...ugh...they talk about it! "How's Little John today?" "Oh, you know, same ol' same ol'! I swear, that is one lazy baby corpse!" What?! If you are stupid enough to keep a mummified baby as an heirloom, stupid enough to name it, then you are stupid enough to brag about it in public.

Lastly, I admire (?) the sick devotion the family has towards Baby John. I mean, the niece was next in line to get the dead baby and is (rightfully?) pissed that she won't get to join in on the fun of having a tiny carcass as a conversation piece on the coffee table. She said "just sell the silver. I'd rather have John." Just sell the silver (silver, really, these people are pirates) that can buy you, uh, I dunno, things that are alive or can keep you alive. I'd rather have....Baby John. The Peavey's need their own reality show, stat. Or at least an episode of Cribs.

If a dead baby is what they brag about, who knows what they keep hidden in the basement.