Last night was my first sketch class and, aside from the fact that I was a week behind in getting comfortable and therefore said nothing whatsoever regarding other people's sketches, it went very well. My sketch was well-received and there was laughter throughout. So, just furthers my belief that I have no clue what works and doesn't in my sketches.
Here's my sketch, based on something that happened to me. I took a lot of time reformatting this from my Final Draft Demo (me be poor) just because I know you're bored at work.
Post Office
Brett White
LIGHTS UP on STEVE, a young adult, waiting in line holding a small package. Behind the counter is a middle aged female postal worker, SHIRELLE. Next to Shirelle is another worker, BRANDY, and a line. The MAN in front of Steve leaves.
SHIRELLE
Next.
Steve approaches the counter. As he does so, the phone at Shirelle’s desk rings. She picks it up.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
Yeah? What? What? No, I’m not paying $200 for that. I don’t care if it’s the law or whatever, I don’t have that kinda money...listen...no YOU listen, no...I’m NOT paying it.
Shirelle slams the phone down.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
What do you want?!
STEVE
Post Office
Brett White
LIGHTS UP on STEVE, a young adult, waiting in line holding a small package. Behind the counter is a middle aged female postal worker, SHIRELLE. Next to Shirelle is another worker, BRANDY, and a line. The MAN in front of Steve leaves.
SHIRELLE
Next.
Steve approaches the counter. As he does so, the phone at Shirelle’s desk rings. She picks it up.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
Yeah? What? What? No, I’m not paying $200 for that. I don’t care if it’s the law or whatever, I don’t have that kinda money...listen...no YOU listen, no...I’m NOT paying it.
Shirelle slams the phone down.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
What do you want?!
STEVE
I just need a fifty dollar roll of stamps and to...(lifting package onto counter)...overnight this.
Brandy, the woman next to Shirelle, leans over.
BRANDY
What was all that about, Shirelle?
SHIRELLE(angrily entering numbers into the computer)
Tasha found this cat out on the sidewalk. Little thing’s gonna cost me $200 in shots. Shots!
The phone rings again. Shirelle answers. Steve starts to look a bit disgruntled.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
No, shut up Tasha. Go to your daddy with stuff like this. Go to your daddy...I know you can’t go to him! That’s the point of prison! You got me, Tasha, and me can’t pay no $200 for this cat! You want a leopard coat, you want your cell phone bill paid, or do you want this cat? No!
Slams phone down.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
What do you want?
STEVE
I was just, I need a fifty dollar roll of stamps and this overnighted.
SHIRELLE
Hold on, then. (to herself, typing)I’m fed up with cats. I’m fed up with kitties. I’m fed up with anything with cats on ‘em. I’m fed up with shots, with medicine. I’m fed up with vets. I’m fed up with doctors if any of them come near me.
MANAGER walks behind Shirelle.
MANAGER
Woo, I hear Shirelle all the way in the back, causing a fuss. This ain’t about you having to work the rest of Anita’s shift tonight, is it?
Shirelle picks up and slams down Steve’s package.
STEVE
Hey!
SHIRELLE
Oh no, no she didn’t! I said no, no way, I told her sorry ass no! I have a daughter I need to straighten out tonight, I don’t got time to be selling no stamps!(manager walks away, chuckling)I’m fed up with him! I’m fed up with his goofy ass haircut! Fed up with that trick knee of his, make him limp! I’m fed up with stamps, envelopes, anything you lick! I’m fed up with this shirt, I’m fed up with this computer, I’m fed up with this counter! Don’t even get me started on this window, I’m fed up with it too. If it had curtains, I’d be fed up with them!
Brandy looks over at her.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
Yeah, I’m fed up with you too, Brandy! Fed up with your earrings, your socks that don’t match, fed up with your two shades of lipstick wearing at once. I’m fed up with it all!(to Steve)What was this?
STEVE
It needs to be overnighted, please, could you just --
SHIRELLE
I’m fed up with customers too, so watch it!
Shirelle goes about entering in numbers on her keypad.
STEVE
I need fifty dollars worth of stamps, too.
SHIRELLE
I’m fed up with stamps, remember?!
Shirelle angrily pulls out a roll of stamps, scans it, and slides it across the counter. She then starts manhandling the package, slapping labels and all that on it.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
I’m fed up with the eagles on the stamps, the flag on them. I’m fed up with red, white and blue. I’m definitely fed up with the president. Don’t get me started on the president! I’m fed up with my apartment, my neighbors, I’m fed up with this country! I’m fed up! Know how Michael Douglas made that movie cause he was fed up? I’m like Michael Douglas in that movie!
Shirelle shoves the package under her desk, takes the money in Steve’s hand, and forces his change on him.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
Fed up!
Steve leaves. Shirelle sits for a second, breathes in and out, Brandy pats her on the shoulder.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)(calmly)
Next.
A WOMAN walks up to the window, package and paper in hand.
WOMAN
I just need to mail this to this address.
SHIRELLE
Okay, ma’am. I can do that for you.
The phone rings. Twice. Shirelle answers.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
You know I hate that boy Tasha, he is NOT coming over for dinner! I’m fed up Hamburger Helper!
BLACK OUT
The notes I got were to make some of Shirelle's rants more specific (yes, she actually did say the Michael Douglas line) since those were the funniest. I could also make Steve's request be even simpler ("I just need that box, right there."). My teacher, Chris Kula of Reuben Williams, said the ending was fine but it would make more sense if something the Woman says triggered the last blow up. All things I'll probably work into this.
Brandy, the woman next to Shirelle, leans over.
BRANDY
What was all that about, Shirelle?
SHIRELLE(angrily entering numbers into the computer)
Tasha found this cat out on the sidewalk. Little thing’s gonna cost me $200 in shots. Shots!
The phone rings again. Shirelle answers. Steve starts to look a bit disgruntled.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
No, shut up Tasha. Go to your daddy with stuff like this. Go to your daddy...I know you can’t go to him! That’s the point of prison! You got me, Tasha, and me can’t pay no $200 for this cat! You want a leopard coat, you want your cell phone bill paid, or do you want this cat? No!
Slams phone down.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
What do you want?
STEVE
I was just, I need a fifty dollar roll of stamps and this overnighted.
SHIRELLE
Hold on, then. (to herself, typing)I’m fed up with cats. I’m fed up with kitties. I’m fed up with anything with cats on ‘em. I’m fed up with shots, with medicine. I’m fed up with vets. I’m fed up with doctors if any of them come near me.
MANAGER walks behind Shirelle.
MANAGER
Woo, I hear Shirelle all the way in the back, causing a fuss. This ain’t about you having to work the rest of Anita’s shift tonight, is it?
Shirelle picks up and slams down Steve’s package.
STEVE
Hey!
SHIRELLE
Oh no, no she didn’t! I said no, no way, I told her sorry ass no! I have a daughter I need to straighten out tonight, I don’t got time to be selling no stamps!(manager walks away, chuckling)I’m fed up with him! I’m fed up with his goofy ass haircut! Fed up with that trick knee of his, make him limp! I’m fed up with stamps, envelopes, anything you lick! I’m fed up with this shirt, I’m fed up with this computer, I’m fed up with this counter! Don’t even get me started on this window, I’m fed up with it too. If it had curtains, I’d be fed up with them!
Brandy looks over at her.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
Yeah, I’m fed up with you too, Brandy! Fed up with your earrings, your socks that don’t match, fed up with your two shades of lipstick wearing at once. I’m fed up with it all!(to Steve)What was this?
STEVE
It needs to be overnighted, please, could you just --
SHIRELLE
I’m fed up with customers too, so watch it!
Shirelle goes about entering in numbers on her keypad.
STEVE
I need fifty dollars worth of stamps, too.
SHIRELLE
I’m fed up with stamps, remember?!
Shirelle angrily pulls out a roll of stamps, scans it, and slides it across the counter. She then starts manhandling the package, slapping labels and all that on it.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
I’m fed up with the eagles on the stamps, the flag on them. I’m fed up with red, white and blue. I’m definitely fed up with the president. Don’t get me started on the president! I’m fed up with my apartment, my neighbors, I’m fed up with this country! I’m fed up! Know how Michael Douglas made that movie cause he was fed up? I’m like Michael Douglas in that movie!
Shirelle shoves the package under her desk, takes the money in Steve’s hand, and forces his change on him.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
Fed up!
Steve leaves. Shirelle sits for a second, breathes in and out, Brandy pats her on the shoulder.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)(calmly)
Next.
A WOMAN walks up to the window, package and paper in hand.
WOMAN
I just need to mail this to this address.
SHIRELLE
Okay, ma’am. I can do that for you.
The phone rings. Twice. Shirelle answers.
SHIRELLE (CONT’D)
You know I hate that boy Tasha, he is NOT coming over for dinner! I’m fed up Hamburger Helper!
BLACK OUT
The notes I got were to make some of Shirelle's rants more specific (yes, she actually did say the Michael Douglas line) since those were the funniest. I could also make Steve's request be even simpler ("I just need that box, right there."). My teacher, Chris Kula of Reuben Williams, said the ending was fine but it would make more sense if something the Woman says triggered the last blow up. All things I'll probably work into this.
2 comments:
yeah, i would suggest instead of overnighted, just simply mailed. and maybe just a book of stamps. make the tasks so easy that it's ridiculous that she can't just do them in 3 seconds. like what yo teach said.
and the michael douglas thing is RIDICULOUS. holy crap. haha.
but for her to tell the lady something like... "I'm fed up with mailing" or something. she does seem too okay all the sudden with going back to her job.
it's great! i love it. i cannot do that shit at all, but maybe you can teach me when i get there! and i'll help you act them out. hahahahhahahahaha. kidding.
i think the thing that the next lady in line does that pushes shirelle over the edge should be requesting a book of the new, special edition kitty cat stamps.
i remember when this happened to you. mikey dougmeister are funny.
-april
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