TV: Lost "Not In Portland"

SPOILER ALERT! I BLAB EVERY SINGLE IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THE EPISODE! IF YOU ARE ANYTHING LIKE ME, BEWARE OF THIS POST UNTIL YOU WATCH THE SHOW!

TEASER: Okay, I'm already sucked back in. A couple minutes and I'm already talking to the TV and overreacting. Sawyer giving that Other Guy his was definitely a cheer-moment. And what's the deal with Juliet in Miami with her sister...and Ethan Rom?! What?! Are the Others connected pre-island like our castaways? And is Juliet evil now? AAHH! Great music during the commercials. "I Gotta Move" by the Kinks and that hilarious Of Montreal "Let's go Outback tonight" jingle.

ACT ONE: Yeah, lots more screaming at the TV. I can't think of any other show that manipulates a veiwer's adrenaline as much as Lost. This may just be me, I get waaay too into this. Juliet's divorced just like every other character on the show, it seems. Come on, where's a successful marriage (and Sun and Jin just started being one, and all that could blow up when that baby comes out speaking perfect English...um)? And ex-hubby saying "get the lights", BURN! Thank God "Sheena" was there, and where does Sawyer learn all these geekisms? It's like he has someone writing his dialogue...

ACT TWO: "Underdog." Okay, Sawyer, you're a closet nerd. Know what a gundark is? Ben has history with Juliet, too. Hmm, wonder what that is? And Juliet was doing criminal stuff back home perhaps; is she on the right side of the island or should she be hanging out with our buddies the criminals over at the crash site? Hopefully the history is a lot dirtier than just being book club pals. "My name's Tom." Great, what a time to introduce yourself. And where are the other castaways? Is Claire still alive? I think Jack's tattoo has had more screen time than her this season.

ACT THREE: "Wookiee prisoner gag." Wow, I think Sawyer grew up without friends and inserted himself into his own Star Wars fanfic. Also, Alex's boyfriend Carl...getting brainwashed into, well, I have no idea what all of that meant. I guess it's just the effect of jibbajabba and Brazilian techno. And Carl? Seriously, lowered expectations on that island. A girl like Alex wouldn't be shaking up with Carl unless they were both stranded on an island fighting in a resistance movement...good thing for him they are. Alex also called Ben her dad and since I think it's more likely Ben did it with Juliet than bats-in-the-belfry Rousseau, I'm thinking adoption. And Juliet totally turned down the guy from Suddenly Susan, much like every other girl in the Los Angeles area since that show ended. Shaping up to be a pretty good episode.

ACT FOUR: Two deaths in one act. Dang. The first one was very Mean Girls but, I'm guessing, a lot more fatal. The second was enjoyable. Danny (I just figured out his name) deserved getting put down like a dog by Juliet. Oh, and she totally belongs with our gang. Too bad she couldn't meet Ana-Lucia, the two of them could go hunting together. And Jack! Bungling the operation just as Tom was about to say something profound...maybe profound! Oh well...

ACT FIVE: Jack is officially using life or death circumstances to win Kate back after seeing her with Sawyer. First, making her tell him the story that has helped her out a couple times...and then making her promise to never come back. Oh, what a web you weave, Jack! But Ben is weaving one too; he's handing out "Get Off Island" gift cards to everyone who'll help him out. Is he for real? And Suddenly Susan ran over Juliet's ex, or Ethan Rom did. That's crazy. The Others sure have a thing about fertility...

NEXT WEEK: Well, Claire gets at least one line and I saw most everyone else's faces. Looks well-rounded. And Kate's going back for Jack. Duh. I don't think her and Sawyer will be making a love hut anytime soon.

MY SCORE: **** (out of 5)