KILL YOUR 80S!

I hate the 80s (I'm going to act like I hate the 80s way more than I actually do just so this blog is a lot more interesting to read. This is my opinion turned to 11, if you will). There. I've said it. I hate shoulderpads. I find most all of the television to be ludicrous. I have no special bond with John Hughes movies. The only good things to come out of the 80s are Golden Girls, The Empire Stikes Back and Return of the Jedi, Ghostbusters, and the fact that Freaks & Geeks is set in 1980. I can avoid most everything associated with this lame decade except for one thing. The worst thing.



80s music.



MTV blew up TVs across America and made celebrities out of way too many no-name weirdos with a JC Penny's credit card (for blouses) and a can of hairspray. Going on song alone, 90% of the hits of the 80s would not have been hits. Then, if a band (most likely English) had a killer video they'd have a smash hit song. And that does not mean the song is worth remembering. To all you indie hipsters, don't come at me with your Smiths and your Cure either. I've heard my fair share of both and I have not been impressed; the word 'hate' may spring to mind. Not that these bands are bad by any stretch of the imagination, I just loathe the production (tin can drums, sprightly guitars, distant vocals). My hatred wouldn't be so bad if all these god awful singles weren't forced into my ears anytime I want to dance or karaoke, with most everyone singing along in a disgusting gushing of irony and cheesy enjoyment.

With all this in mind, here are the only super hit songs that are worth anything from the 80s. You are retarded if you disagree.

(I used VH1's top 100 songs of the 80s countdown for reference. I know there are a lot of great songs in the 80s that weren't hits, so Talking Heads, Pixies, The Pretenders, XTC, etc etc etc aren't included...just for the sake of this blog)

Devo "Whip It" 1980

Here you go, 80s fans. A bonafide MTV "what the?" weirdo video hit. The reason Devo is on here is because they are awesome. Their first album is a post-punk/new wave masterpiece and this hit, really their only one, is as weird as their earlier stuff. So not a sell out at all. It's also influencial. You hear that, dance punk bands? You were influenced by this.

Queen & David Bowie "Under Pressure" 1981

I would be a jackhole if I didn't include this song, and you're a jackhole if you disagree. There isn't a hint of crappy electronic drums and forced emotion. The breakdown and buildup two minutes in will move you to tears more than any of those stupid Sufjan Stevens songs you listen to. Really, Freddie Mercury and David Bowie? They're better than a gajillion Scissor Sisters combined. That's because Freddie and David are totes gay gay. Sometimes.

Human League "Don't You Want Me" 1981

To prove that I'm not totally anti-synth, here's the best synth hit of the 80s. The chorus is euphoric and the chick's voice is so calm and cool, you know she's just a bit too awesome for that dude in the makeup. Plus, he's wearing makeup. You know he don't care about that chick. So, this is by far the best song from guys that wear makeup who include hot girls in the band so straight dudes will give them a listen. The 80s had a bakajillion of these.

Dexys Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen" 1982

To-ry-lou-ry-aye, this song doesn't suck. Yeah, I'll fess up; I pogo like a little Hot Topic kid at a Him concert when I hear this song. You have to admire the fact that people that are downright homely and nasty can still become video stars. That don't happen nowadays (Blues Traveler, anyone?). And Dexy (not his real name) straight up fired the drummer during this video, so there's major 'tude behind this song. Mark my words, Dexys Midnight Runners will be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I put money on that, and I'm speaking in my real voice right now and not the one I've adopted for this blog. They were huge in England. Right?


The Go-Go's "Our Lips Are Sealed" 1982

The Go-Go's snort losers like The Bangles up for breakfast, yo. For all the teeny-bopper-sugar-rush-all-girl-yay-time songs of the 80s, this is the only one that is worth anything. Why? Because it was written about Ray Davies...wasn't it? Also, Jane Wiedlin is into S&M.

Joan Jett & The Blackhearts "I Love Rock & Roll" 1982



Do I even have to explain? She's dirty and pure rock and roll.

Talking Heads "Burning Down The House" 1983

The fact that this song, and that the Talking Heads, were such a big to-do in the 80s surprises me. Unlike Devo, they actually had hit after hit. "Burning Down The House" isn't their best song, but it's one of the best songs of the 80s by far. I always appreciate it when something as creepy and sonically different becomes a cultural touchstone. Plus, this video IS HOT.

Michael Jackson "Billie Jean" 1983

"Thriller" is almost purely 80s video gimmicks and all the singles off of Bad kinda feel like Thriller cast-offs. This song and video, pure AWESOMEness.

Nena "99 Luftbaloons" 1983

This sounds like it could have come from Europe's indie scene in the world Post-Strokes, so the freshness makes it acceptable.

Cyndi Lauper "Time After Time" 1984

Not drenched in disgusting 80s production and overexposure like "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." It touches me, a little.

Janet Jackson "Nasty" 1986
Not on YouTube, for some reason. And I'm not embedding an amateurish dance company video, neither, so SCREW YOU Jersey Moves Company!

Prince "Kiss" 1986

Actually fun to dance to, and not as depressing as "When Doves Cry" (it's the Schindler's List of 80s pop, right?). The first 9 seconds of the song sum up Prince's entire career marvelously.

INXS "Need You Tonight" 1987

Parts of the video seem like a spoof, like Hutchence is Dana Carvey impersonating Jim Morrison or something. Any video that features a guy in a referee shirt drumming on air deserves to be remembered. Forever.

Salt-N-Pepa "Push It" 1987

A bit light on the actual rapping and words but, come on...it's 80s mainstream hip hop that isn't crap. MC Hammer isn't acceptable to dance to. I know he's 90s, but I think I should make that point while I can. Stop playing his songs.

R.E.M. "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" 1987

Only posted here so I have quick access to the video at parties. I know all the words. HA!

The B-52's "Love Shack" 1989

If you didn't see this one coming, you don't know me.


And that's IT (not really). All other 80s songs need to be BANNED. Aren't we, as a music loving nation, past this decade yet?

Lastly, all kidding aside, I truly hate "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. It is not a good song, the band is not talented, and it should be erased from the collective memory like Mary Jane and Peter Parker's marriage.