TV: Kid Nation "Where's Bonanza, Dude?"

Let Me Talk!

ERIC
Eric has had bit parts in every episode, making him a Wedge (someone in the background who manages to get a minor amount of regular screentime; the Kid Nation universe is almost as sprawling as Star Wars). Remember, he sang that song he wrote in the talent show? And he had some stuff to say about being Jewish? You know, I like Eric. I think he's a good dude, so of course he's in the green district. He talked some smack about Greg and Blaine in the green district bunkhouse after the amazingly effective communication exercise.

THE COUNCIL
Seriously, what the? You know, I thought the sanity of DK and Michael would outweight the teen-frat-douche-itude of Greg and Blaine, but they somehow managed to brainwash DK and stomp all over poor Michael. The shouting match in the center of the town was disturbing on multiple levels. First, how intense DK was about the conversation that he didn't overhear and that, really, I don't think involved him. Obvious result of the scarily persuasive power of Greg. Secondly, Greg and Blaine's 'compliments' to pre-teen girls that were actually borderline smut usually uttered by sexual predators in Miami. I never want to hear either one of them say "mamasita" again. I'm nauseous. At least they made the right decision and chose the letters from home over the...ponies. For real, has there been a clearer choice this season? I can't imagine why anyone other than the tiniest of girls in Bonanza would want a pony. To me, choosing the ponies is like inviting a couple hundred pounds of crap and hair into their lives. I'm sick of Jerkhole Greg now. Where once I thought he had the potential for a riveting Anakin Skywalker-esque fall from grace, I now think he's just a predictable obstacle, as annoying as the AT-STs in Return of the Jedi. Okay, that one was a big stretch. But really, every episode Greg is a total monster, curses a bunch, and then 'learns a lesson' at the end. Bo-ring. Oh, and Blaine thought that a television was invented before a typewriter, telegraph, and phonograph. Blaine...Blaine Blaine Blaine...he's as dumb as his haircut.

LAUREL
So...she went crazy. Expected and pretty pardonable. She's been pretty flawless up til now, so seeing her throw the hissyfit that Taylor probably gives every Christmas she doesn't get a new hot pink convertible was kinda comforting. Laurel has flaws! Laurel feels the sting of rejection and feels it hard! But come on, losing to Michael is totally fine. And by episode's end, she was one with the rest of her district and the proud winner of a gold star.


I Just Like The Recess Part

TAYLOR
Perfection. Seriously, the return of Taylor in this episode was pure perfection. Her defiance in the previous episode was, eh, okay, but THIS one had a complete ARC to it. The episode starts with Taylor and the Taylorettes befriending only the pretty chickens (because ugly chickens can't put on makeup and be pretty) and flipping out when the decision is made to kill them for a feast. After that, Taylor puts her Skechers down and refuses to study, instead holing herself up in the chicken coop with Leila. I just love how the chicken coop has become the equivalent of The Max, Central Perk, the Seinfeld Diner, and all the other numerous TV hangouts. "Hey, where you girls going tonight?" "Oh, just the Chicken Coop, gonna hang out and toss some eggs." Heaven forbid they go to the soda shop, but I guess you can't lock yourself in the soda shope which, as previous episodes have shown, is pretty the coop's main use. After her amazing display of Total Taylor Tude, she was banished from whatever reward they may or may not receive. Of course this is the episode they chose a totally awesome ARCADE. Seeing Taylor suck it up and clean dishes, hundreds of them (as said on cbs.com), was so awesome. It was like perfect storytelling, a lesson learned and dirty deeds done.

SOPHIA
I'm so in love with Sophia. She says she feels like a 30 year old trapped in a 14 year old body and, well, that's what every single person watching this show has been saying since day one. Glad to know she not only knows this, but revels in it. Soph builds her own library which, yeah, looks like a ramshackle teepee with a shelf in it, but any structure that causes Alex to say "Do you think I should trust you with my atlas and my Najavo English dictionary?" is fine by me. By episode's end, Sophia is crowned sheriff of Bonanza. This. Is. Amazing.

HUNTER
Hunter finally picks up his gold star, becoming the sixth green district winner. Not surprising. His work ethic is admirable and him keeping a picture of his family in his pocket was downright touching. Surprise of the episode: Hunter's family has what appeared to be a Cribs worthy house. That kid ain't from no farm.

And surprise surprise, Jared loves to DDR.


Where's Bonanza, Dude?

MIGLE
Migle, the girl who made Alex wonder who Paris Hilton was, was considered for a gold star in this episode. There was no way that a total Zuckuss trying to reach Wedge status was going to win the gold star. Yeah, apparently she's been working hard and apparently she did something kinda like leadership during the challenge (Lord knows Anjay has been happily getting sugar-drunk at the soda shop every night after getting his freedom from the council), but her winning would have been a total left-field WTF. I don't know you, Migle, and frankly, with two episodes left, I want as much Jared-insanity, Taylor-tantrums, Mike-constipation, and Sophia-sociology-lessons as I can get. Plus her name's Migle. And not "Miggle" like it should be pronounced, but "Me-glay" like...I have no clue.

JARED & ALEX
AHHHH!!! CBS! FOR REAL! SCREW KID NATION 2, GIVE US THE ADVENTURES OF JARED & ALEX! Just, oh man, geez, come on! The two of them discovering that cow skeleton played out like the pilot for J&A. Jared's go-get'em attitude, Alex's reserved and cautious support. Alex's encyclopedic book smarts and human computer brain paired with Jared's near maniacal knowledge of insane hypothetical science and his conspiracy-theory leaning beliefs. The. Perfect. Pair. This was really pointed out by Greg during the nomination process who said that giving Alex or Jared could be investing in the cure for cancer or, oh Jared, the invention of teleportation. Really, with a kid like Jared who is liable to either ramble on about teleportation of molecules or flip out and do serious property damage, you need the calming presence of Alex who has never done one negative thing this entire time. Plus, Alex is downright adorable. His moments of despair and anger, on the rare occassion they come up, are undermined by the fact that he has sunlight sensitive glasses and one huge tooth in the middle of his mouth. I want to see these kids at crime scenes, on a space shuttle, in Japan, getting tips from Mystery, and performing karaoke. This series has been greenlit. By me. CBS, take note. And Alex won the gold star because he didn't act like a mental patient in the nominating process. But Jared was totes cool with that, because winning a Nobel prize, is like winning five gold stars...at least! Alex's phone call home was just as logical and polite as anyone would have thought. And Jared got dangerously close to a scorpion.

SOPHIA
My love continues. Another experiment that made the entire town wary of her leading ability. Plus they were all pissed that Sophia wasn't someone they elected. Get over it, kids, your leaders are gonna disappoint you. I was completely not surprised that Sophia did an awesome job. I loved how fair and just she was, how she offered positive feedback while still making sure to get the job done. Laurel, I think you might have some competition in your bid for presidency. And what made me smile even more was that she picked the balloon ride over the monument. Initially I was all for the monument because, yeah, I teared up. BUT a monument at a ranch that they shoot movies at in the middle of nowhere New Mexico compared to a balloon ride, which apparently aren't as prevalent in the rest of the country as they are in Tennessee (just go to any fair, kids). I love that the supposed dictator Sophia chose the frivolous reward. And the council got to hang out with Native Americans instead of riding in a hot air balloon. Yeah...they got screwed.

ZACH
Zach had a freakout, which was totally deserved. And while I'm at it, mad props to DK for calling Greg out on his load of crap he feeds everyone when he knows they're mad at him. And you know, Zach does deserve a gold star. He has the hands-down worst and weakest district and Blaine- who- thinks- cavemen- invented- TV as the guy that kicked him out of office. If you aren't gonna give him $20K, then give him some respect GREG, because at least Zach isn't going to get some poor freshman pregnant. I call it, Greg has at least 4 illegitimate children by the time he's 25. And then an abysmal rap career. He's going down the K-Fed path.

And that's it for the last three weeks. I cannot deal with this show being over next week.