MAKE ME STOP!

Sophomore year of high school, we did an exercise in Drama I where we challenged ourselves to talk for as long as we could on one subject without using filler. No "uhs" or "likes" or anything like that. Most people had a hard time staying afloat, drowning in a sea of like-heavy sentences. Me? I talked for so long that the teacher had to cut me off at twelve minutes. Twelve minutes of talking about Oasis. I may have revealed blood types.

Ever since that exercise, I've noticed what filler people use and I become easily distracted by it. I will count how many times you say "really." I will notice how many rhetorical questions you ask. I will notice and I will count them. I managed to turn this into a game starting my junior year of high school. Our AP english teacher (Mrs. Walls) was completely floored at the number of students in the class. AP classes are meant to be smaller than honors so that the student can learn/not form a strong enough mob to revolt against another request to open up their Harbraces. Our class was pushing 30, easily. In the first two classes of the school year, Mrs. Walls said at least 20 times that the class was too big and then waved her hands around, completely beside herself. I then decided to start counting every instance of this. I did this again the next year with my pre-calculus teacher every time she said "mouths are closed."

This awareness is a curse, all around. Sure, counting nervous sayings by teachers got laughs (the good kind), but it's not worth the annoyance that is directed at myself. I am hyper aware of every word I say, which is quite possibly the worst possible thing to accompany a mouth that always speaks without thinking. I spend a good portion post-conversation time going over all the dumb crap I said. Here is a list of my horrible verbal habits...

Word - When in doubt, I speak urban slang from 1995.
What up? - The catch phrase that the writers on NewsRadio wanted to attach to Matthew Brock. Do I want to be like Matthew Brock? Andy Dick?
Like - Not excusable. I have a better vocabulary than this and this filler word has outlived its purpose. Twenty years strong, I think 'like' used as filler is soon going to be in the dictionary. Oh wait, it is (definition #25).
Awesome - My default adjective for things that are generally good, above average, mind blowing, etc. I also say this in improv scenes, whether I'm a grandad or Satan.
Bee tea double you - This is recent and I hope, I hope, that it doesn't stick. Speaking internet slang is both funny and annoying, oh em gee, double you tea eff.
I dunno - Once the bane of my vocabluary, I think I've gotten rid of this one. I swear, this would pop up with as much frequency as 'like' in almost the exact same places.

But as annoying as those are, none compare to my physical habits that accompany meeting or saying goodbye to someone.

The Salute - I started this a while ago and it's annoying now. It's a casual salute though, like Han Solo rebelliousness being reigned in to show a sly modicum of respect to someone. What is my problem?
Air Guns - This started recently and a lot over the past weeked at the Del Close Marathon. I form guns (index finger out, thumb up, other fingers crammed into my hard fist like a real man) with both hands and then...shoot them...at whoever I'm leaving. Kill me. Where did this come from? Did Matthew Brock do this, or any other of Andy Dick's characters? What's going on with me?!

Add these to my other social anxieties of putting my foot in my mouth and saying exactly what I don't mean, I'm sure I make a horrible first impression on people. That doesn't go away. Because I still continue to shoot them with air bullets. From my air glocks.

If you see me or hear me do any of the above, call me out on it. It has to stop.